The Kids I Lose Sleep Over

As some of you know I was the Education Director at Hartford Children’s Theatre for several years. There were a lot of things I loved about that job but my absolute favorite was distributing financial aid for students from low-income families to attend theatre classes and programs. Applying for, processing, and reporting on grant funding sounds kind of dull but I found the entire process of our financial aid program to be the single most gratifying part of the work I did there. A lot of people complain about the paperwork required in grant work for nonprofits, and it can be a hassle, but it was incredibly gratifying to have a graph in my office detailing how many students whose families were on food stamps were getting the opportunity to take a creative drama class or be in a play for the first time. Going to informational meetings at the Hartford Foundation for Public Giving and other such places was always inspiring because there were people from so many other organizations there. Organizations that provided after school care and tutoring to youth in Hartford, providing meals and housing assistance, and family literacy programming. Sometimes I would find a particular child’s situation disheartening, but those connections with other nonprofits made me think that we were all a part of something larger that would make a difference in the long term. One teenager in a family would be saved by a job skills program, one  child would gain confidence from a performance opportunity, a third would develop leadership skills through extended day care programming, and the whole family would benefit from addiction support services. One of those nonprofits alone would drown in the needs of its community, but together significant change could happen. I may be an idealist but I was honored to be a part of small differences in the lives of some very special kids being made in this way.

I think about that gratifying sensation– I’m a part of something important!– a lot these days. Today I spend my mornings tutoring second graders in reading in the North End of Hartford. “North End” has a special meaning in Hartford–the way “Harlem” means something special in New York. When I tell people I work there, the first question I get is usually how I make sure my car doesn’t get broken into. The school I work in doesn’t bother with special cafeteria tickets for free and reduced price lunches– they ALL qualify for free lunch. When I first met with my students, I asked them to draw pictures of people who were important to them. One boy drew Superman– which was sort of adorable, and sort of sad, because he honestly couldn’t think of anyone else in his life that was important. As they drew, their stories came out– I learned which students have multiple family members in jail, which ones are in foster care, and which ones, at 7 years old, are aunts and uncles to the children of their very young teenage siblings. Words that would make a sailor blush come out of the mouths of more than a few of these little children on a regular basis and the custodial staff is in a seeming unending battle to cover up those words as they are written across the walls of hallways and bathrooms throughout the school. And every half hour I take three or four of these kids and try to help them make sense of the English language. I’m on the front lines of a battle, the only battle that has a CHANCE of saving these kids lives. Sometimes I honestly doubt that my little time with them, struggling through the difference between “these” and “those,” trying to get a kid who reads on a kindergarten level to at least get up to a first grade level, will change the course of their future. But one or two kids’ lives will be a little different, and third grade will be a hair easier for most of them than it would have been without that one-on-one time spent working on reading. The after school program they go to will keep them safe while the single parent in their life is at work, and the soup kitchen at the church down the street will ensure that the free lunches at school aren’t the only meals they get this week. Mentors, athletic coaches, and tutoring programs will see some of them through high school, and the community college I work at will reach out to some of them many years from now, providing stepping stones to 4-year colleges and careers their parents were not able to pursue. How many of them? I don’t know. All I know is that the more time I spend with them the more invested I become in their futures. Too many of them have been dealt a bad hand, and do not even realize it yet. It would be criminal to stand by and do nothing. I can’t do everything, but I’m going to use this little time I have to help them break the code of the letters on paper. The opportunity to be a part of their young lives is nothing short of an honor.

In some ways it’s not as simple to be of service to these kids as it was when I was handing out financial aid like some kind of theatre education Santa Claus. Sometimes change is visible, but often it’s unclear if the work is helping, and even if it is, it’s hard to really categorize a move from “substantially deficient” to “deficient” as a success. So I find it important to remind myself that I’m not the only soldier here. These kids do have some special people in their lives that are rooting for them, every day. Even if Superman is the only one they can think of.

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3 Responses to “The Kids I Lose Sleep Over”

  1. Sue Waite-Langley Says:

    Found your article to be interesting and I know these kids appreciate…or will one day…the work you’re doing for them. BUT, I just wanted to point out that children in the North End of Hartford, or Harlem, or South Dallas are not the only kids living with as little as your kids have. There are so many programs for children in depressed areas that the kids with nothing, living elsewhere are always missed.

    • me Says:

      A good point. When I was grant-seeking in my former job we always had a harder time finding foundation support for low income students from the suburbs than for those in the inner city. As the economy has worsened such need has no doubt only grown.


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